Success Training in Life After Divorce Includes Forgiveness
Posted on May 22, 2009
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Success Training in Life After Divorce Includes Forgiveness
Back in the 1980's as a young man, I led a group of us that started a Divorce Recovery Workshop in my home town. Although my wife and I were young and had small children, as pastors on a large church staff we saw a huge need in our community. Along with a small group of divorced people, we begin to run this 8 week seminar twice a year. It built slow, but had great results with this success training. After a few years of hundreds of people that were touched by the seminar, we handed it off to an associate. In looking back there were many things that I could identify as reasons for the popularity and impact the work had, but this article will deal with one of the keys, if not the top key, that was discussed and implemented that set people free.
The topic of the lesson that contained this key was forgiveness. We discussed forgiveness and laid a foundation of the many of the well known and taught aspects of this important principle in relationships:
1. Forgiveness is an act of the will - not an emotion. Most of the time we need to forgive because we feel hurt. With hurt emotions we usually do not feel like forgiving someone, but it is vital we choose to do this - both in our hearts, and where appropriate, to have a discussion with the person we need to forgive.
2. Forgiving when you don't feel like it is NOT hypocrisy. If you claim to believe in forgiveness, then it would be hypocritical NOT to forgive, regardless of how you feel about it. Hyprocrisy is acting contrary to your beliefs, not going against your feelings.
3. You must choose to forgive, whether you think the other person deserves it or not.
We are not talking about being a wimp, or letting people walk over you - but recognizing how vital your choice of forgiveness is for your mental and spiritual health. So - here is the key that set so many people free:
In almost every situation where conflict or hurt feeling occur, it is truly rare that one person is either completely blameless - OR - one person is 100% to blame for the situation. So - in our workshop we instructed the divorced person simply to pick a percentage as a number that they felt they contributed to the failure of their marriage. We didn't mean the actually filing of the divorce papers - many people don't want to end up divorced, but they do - but the actual blame they would accept for the things they did or didn't do that led to the deterioration of the relationship. We had them write down a number between 1% and 99% that they would give themselves that they felt they were responsible for in the breakdown of their own marriage. The could choose any number - except 0% or 100%. For a few this was hard, but almost everyone that went through our workshop was able to pick a number.
Here is the amazing thing: The number doesn't really matter! (As long as it isn't ZERO or ONE HUNDRED.)
We then had them take that number and implement forgiveness:
1. To forgive their ex-spouse for their part in the marriage failure.
2. To forgive themselves for their own part in the marriage failure.
3. To ask forgiveness FROM their ex for their part of the marriage failure -without expecting any reciprocation.
4. To ask any children affected by the divorce for their forgiveness for the marriage failure.
We spent a good deal of time on this, and gave counsel on how to, if at all, approach their ex or children. Those that followed through (and most did) found great release, healing, and freedom by acting on this key. Some of the stories they told were amazing. We actually had ex-marriage partners come through the next workshop because they were amazed at the transformation of their ex-partner due to the workshop.
After the first night of a new workshop series my wife and I were driving home discussing the evening. We had about 150 new people there that night and I asked my wife: "Did you meet that woman?" My wife knew exactly who I meant - Claudia was the most bitter woman (and it showed) that either of us had ever seen or met. Three or four weeks into the workshop series she called me and asked if she could come by my home - she said it was important! We talked for a quite a while and then I explained forgiveness to her again. When I explained to her that she needed to forgive her ex, she became very angry at the thought. (Forgiveness isn't saying what an offending party did was OK, or letting the off the hook - in her ex's case it was on-going adultery.)
I explained to her she didn't even need to feel like it, she just needed to do it. So she expressed forgiveness towards him through clenched teeth, and left my home. I heard the rest of the story a couple of days later . . .
As she was driving home she said she felt a warmth start in her finger tips and work its way up her arms and into her chest. She had intended to murder her ex, but instead she threw away the home made bomb in the car she had made, and continued on a path of healing. Her and John were remarried to each other a couple of years later.
For most attenders to our workshop, the possibility of a reconciliation was too late. We had a former Miss America come through the workshop, and people from all walks of life. The key works for everyone.
Conflict resolution and emotional healing are difficult and complex issues, BUT this key is one that helps, and can be applied to almost any situation, not just divorce recovery.
I've used this principle in every arena of life including business. If you are looking for conflict resolution, jot down the percentage of responsibility you are willing to assume, and then implement true forgiveness around that number.
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Child Custody Strategies - Personal Stability
Posted on May 5, 2009
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Child Custody Strategies - Personal Stability
During a divorce, there are a great number of issues that need to be settled: dividing up accumulated belongings, assets, and memories, financial arrangements, even care and visitation of family pets has become a big concern in recent years. However, among all of these problems, one matter stands out as the ultimate point of contention -- custody of the children.
When a divorcing couple cannot come to a mutually agreed-upon compromise regarding custody of the children (and let's face it, it is a very rare couple who can), it falls to the court system to intervene and facilitate an arrangement "in the best interests of the child." When they do this, one very important detail they consider is the stability (or lack thereof) that each parent will bring to the life of the child.
When psychologists are called to testify in family court, they invariably assert that children need routine and stability. Therefore, nothing will concern a judge more than a parent who is constantly making changes -- whether it be in his job, his housing, or his relationships. Even though these parents may feel that they have good reasons for each change, a judge will examine the overall pattern and raise concerns about consistency and dependability.
Think about it... ever notice how your child enjoys watching the same movie or T.V. episode over and over again? Children thrive on repetition and permanence in all aspects of their lives. A judge can be persuaded to overlook many less than ideal choices in your housing, job, or relationship if they are stable over the course of time. If, for some reason, you do need to make a change in a major area such as employment or housing, you need to do so carefully and with a well-thought-out plan.
If you make a number of changes to your life, the other parent will attempt to persuade the judge that, no matter how good your current situation seems, based on your history of instability, it is unlikely to last. You won't be able to convince the court of your good position if the other side can point out that it is likely to be short-term and undergo constant change.
So, in order to ensure an advantage in any custody litigation, please remember to consider stability in all aspects of your public and personal life.
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Child Visitation - How to Divide Time Between Parents
Posted on April 1, 2009
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Child Visitation - How to Divide Time Between Parents
A Family Law Attorney From Southern California Explains Child Visitation
Child Visitation Overview
Issues with child visitation arise out of situations where both legal guardians of the child are no longer acting as a couple. Visitation refers to how the child's time will be divided between both legal guardians. It is usually decided by the court system, especially in cases where each guardian is asking for the same amount of visitation.
What it Means For You
If you are filing for visitation, the best thing to do is contact a lawyer in order to mediate for the maximum amount of child visitation you wish to have. The primary reason for this is that child custody battles tend to be very strenuous and emotional. Alleviating you of the direct confrontation about child custody matters with your ex spouse is a huge relief when dealing with such an emotional issue.
Supervised and Unsupervised Visitation
Supervised visitation is when courts find that the child's well being is compromised be spending time alone with a parent. If this is mandated, it is required that the adult meet with the child while another adult, court employee or private agency is present.
Unsupervised visitation is granted to the parent who does not spend more than half their time with the child. Unsupervised visitation should be highly detailed and planned beforehand to avoid arguments and confusion. The more specific the better.
Common Visitation Schedules
Common visitation schedules leaves the parent with less than half of their time with the child seeing the child every other weekend and alternating holidays. Common variations include a pick up and drop off once during the week by the parent with the least amount of visitation.
Family legal matters can be extremely emotional, frustrating and costly. Because of this, it is important that you get the right informatin BEFORE you take action regarding a divorce, child custody, child support, adoption, or any other important legal matter.
Get the information you need to make an intelligent, informed decision regarding your and/or your children.
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Creating Your Child Custody Schedule - How to Get More Time With Your Child
Posted on March 14, 2009
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Creating Your Child Custody Schedule - How to Get More Time With Your Child
You have to be savvy when it comes time to negotiate a child custody schedule. The child custody schedule that you and your ex agree on will determine the time that you spend with your child until the child is 18 years old. Because you want to have as much time as possible with your child, you have to know the best tactics to maximize your visitation time. One great way to get the most time with your child in the custody schedule is to use holidays to up your visitation time.
Planning ahead is crucial to using holidays to your advantage. It may be useful for you to purchase a child custody software because a good child custody software should allow you to see all of the holidays for the year--and what parent has custody for that holiday. If you don't have the software that can do this for you, you can just go through the calendar and make your own list. Make a list of every holiday and write down whose visitation time the holiday falls under.
For the purpose of illustrating this idea, let's say you and your ex have a visitation schedule set up where you alternate weeks of custody. Both the mother and father have 50% time with the child. Now, let's say the father or mother wants to increase his or her time with the child and you're just about to negotiate holiday visitation time. The first thing to do is to take that list of the holidays and see what holidays do not already fall under your allotted child visitation time. Perhaps you notice that July 4th isn't a time when you already have custody. That's a holiday that you go for. Now, the ex is going to want a holiday too. That's easy enough--go through the list and give a big holiday that already falls under the ex's allotted visitation time. So, the ex gets Easter--which is a nice, big holiday--but you didn't lose any time because the child was already scheduled there.
Continue to do this with the rest of the holiday negotiation. Take the Thanksgiving weekend that is the ex's time, and give President's weekend which is already the ex's custody time. Every time you do this, the percentage of visitation time you have with your child goes up. In one scenario we worked out, the percentage time of the one parent increased by 6%! This is simple to do and can make a big difference with your child custody schedule.
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The Role Of A Child Custody Investigator
Posted on March 10, 2009
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As custody cases become more and more competitive, parents have begun seeking every available opportunity to gain an advantage on their competition. This can involve multiple strategies, with some being more secretive than others. Hiring a child custody investigator is one way to build evidence against the other parent without them knowing. Since custody hearings take a number of different factors into consideration before making a decision, an investigator can influence the perception of the court across many levels.
Contrary to popular belief, child custody investigators are not just private detectives hired by those who can afford their exorbitant fees. The court system also employs investigators to provide them with a better insight into the daily routines and behaviors of both parents. Since the judge is unlikely to witness either parent's activities outside of the court room, it has become more common for the court to assign an independent party to monitor these things. For that reason it is important for anyone facing a custody hearing to become aware of the role that an investigator plays, and how it may affect the outcome of the case.
The goal of an investigator is to measure the tendencies of each parent while interacting with their child. They look for how the parent relates with the child and what activities they participate in while together. Ideally, the parent would offer enriching activities that promote the social and educational growth of their youngster. It is also observed whether or not the child enjoys these activities. Beyond this, the custody investigator is also looking for any signs of physical or mental abuse that may be occurring. Thus, they are making sure the child has a safe and healthy environment in which they can thrive.
Because a child custody investigator is hired to provide evidence to the court system, their work is typically secretive and very thorough. They may utilize many of the same tools and tactics that are commonly found in detective work. Video surveillance, phone tapping, and constant observation are just some of the ways they collect evidence. In a perfect world, their strategies are unbiased and used only to paint an accurate picture of the parental interaction levels. However, in cases where the investigator is hired privately, there is more pressure on them to produce incriminating evidence against the other party. This can be a tough obstacle for the opposition to face, making it important that they identify when they are being watched.
Custody battles have continued to grow more aggressive over recent years. Not only have parents become more willing to experiment with unorthodox tactics to build their cases, but the court system has also grown more stringent in their approach. This combination has left parents on both sides very little room for error. Because of the pressure surrounding these cases, the use of child custody investigators has risen considerably. At one time they were only used by those who afford to hire them privately, but now the courts are beginning to utilize their services as well. Since the evidence provided by them is so heavily weighted by the custody judge, it is vital for parents to recognize the power that an investigator can have over their case.
Child Custody Strategies for Women
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