Introducing Someone New to Your Kids After a Divorce
Posted on June 14, 2010
Filed Under child custody, Parenting Plan | Leave a Comment
Introducing Someone New to Your Kids After a Divorce
For anyone involved in a divorce, this can be a painful process that takes time to fully get over the whole ordeal. Many people who have been through a divorce can have many things that need to be dealt with before that person is able to get back into the dating scene again. Once you have gotten back into that scene, you might just end up finding that person that you could see yourself falling in love with. If you have found this person, the first thing that you may be worried about is introducing this person to your kids.
Dating after a divorce can be a hard thing in itself without the pressure of having to introduce the person to your children. The first thing that you should consider when you are going through the process is to pick a time that will be comfortable for all of the people involved. This could be a family barbeque or just going out to dinner. Make sure that you keep the lines of communication open both between you and your children and between you and the person you are dating. Being honest is the most helpful thing you can do for everyone in a situation such as this one. If you are also close with your ex spouse, you might want to make them aware that you are now dating someone new and you are thinking of introducing this person to the kids. Although you are not married, it is still a sign of respect because you both still have children in common with each other and just want to look out for their well being.
The next thing that you need to consider is talking with your kids about meeting this person before you just set up the situation. You need to hear out their fears and concerns before you set anything up. If they aren't comfortable with meeting this person you are dating yet, don't force the situation. If you force the situation to much, there can be hostile feelings toward you and the person you are dating in the long run. You need to make sure and remember who is going to be your top priority in this type of situation. Communication can be the most helpful thing you can do with everyone. Remember, when the time is right things will happen naturally.
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The Ten Steps to Recovering and Thriving After a Divorce
Posted on June 12, 2010
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The Ten Steps to Recovering and Thriving After a Divorce
Shock * Precious Things * Mourning Old Life * Splitting Two into One * What Happened * Forgiveness * Identity Crisis * Self Discovery * Emergence * Survival
As a Life Coach, I have encountered many people who have experienced similar of phases of recovering from a divorce. There is no manual for it but I have found that there are a predictable set of steps that you experience when recovering from divorce. Divorce, is a rebirth of a new life, free of all constrains of your former life. You have been given a chance to rewrite you're story. Here is mine.
The steps of recovering from a divorce are long and arduous. Like Aaron Ralston crawling his way out of a Utah canyon, climbing your way out of a divorce is a journey that involves blood, sweat tears and more stamina than I thought I had. Eventually, this journey brought me to the door that unlocked the beautiful future.
Shock
At first it is just shock and awe. The total destruction of the life I once knew. The feeling can best be described as perpetual vertigo. Nothing is stationary anymore life starts to shed like layers of a snake unfolding. Driving in my car I felt my body fly out of the sunroof forever leaving my old life. The road ahead represented the unknown. Who am I? Where am I going? How am I going to get there? Most of my time is spent suspended hovering over my body looking at the train wreck of my life. I spent night after night in a empty apartment wondering what type of time travel I had just experienced.
Precious Things
Did I really even want anything that belonged to that former life? This question I asked over and over again as I contemplated my precious things. My eyes cast around the precious things in my universe. The first thing I grabbed was the photo albums, next my jewelry then I started to amass a small assortment of odd precious things; my copper fava bean cooker from Egypt, a picture of the sunset off the wall, bedding and some pillows, a small Moroccan geode and of course my two dogs. .What really matters from the life that has ended? What relics do I want to take with me? All the memories that I had as a whole are now just fleeting. I am the sole historian of those days. My story will never be contradicted again by my husbands opposing views.
Once I decided on the precious things I had to get them. My shrink said that possession is 9/10ths of the law. He told me to back a truck up in the middle of the day and when no one is home and pack up my precious things and hightail it out of town. That is exactly what I did.
Mourning Old Life
Unpacking the precious things on the other side is a little like opening the Pandora's Box of my relationship? I no longer have what I had. Everything looks a little different. It seems to be missing something. I mourn the things that are no longer there and loath the things that remain. I want to be free but I am still shackled by all that is in the past. It is impossible to create a new life when I am still mourning and living with things from the past.
Splitting two into one
Next, starts the spin. Sorting out the life I lead as a couple into the life of one. If only it could be as easy as splitting it all in half; half a couch, half a car, half a dog, half the friends along with half of your old self. In the end, the judgment and guilt dictate who gets the goods. Only I can rebuild the shattered other self that has been ripped from my being. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I even like the other half that is left. My discontent of the years past begins to surface. When did the crack start? Where is the small fissure that represents the beginning of the end?
What Happened
Night after night I hash out the details, remembering things from years past; small looks here and there, situations that just did not feel right at the time. How long had this been going on? When did it start to unravel? The obsession is extreme until I have hashed out every incarnation imaginable. This stage drove the people closest to me batty.
Forgiveness
At some stage the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together. My part of the story starts to unfold. I see that I was culpable too. The break seems like a hologram where all sides are in view. My anger subsides as I realize the role that I played in the drama of my life. Now the blame shifts and gratitude takes its place. I appreciate the good and don't dwell on the bad.
Slowly I start to emerge, testing my new single self in the waters. What will they think of me? Where is the rhetorical "we". It is a long process of cutting out the other part of me. Like conjoined twins the separation is a lengthy and delicate surgery. I go through this process so that I can regenerate and be a "me" again. Like a lizard that re-grows his tail I begin to heal re-growing a new self where the "we" once took hold.
Identity Crisis
The identity crisis permeates every move I make. How do I explain myself? What is my story if I cut the other half out. At first telling people my story is like slow water torture. Little by little conversations become easier. A new self starts to emerge. I no longer reference my ex in every sentence. Slowly, my life as a "me" starts to unfold.
I am all of a sudden in the position of creating my very own self. That sparks an overwhelming and paralyzing amount of choices to think of. What do I want to be? What did I think I wanted to be? What could I be? All of a sudden I am on the spin cycle again, agitating my way through the day.
Self Discovery
Somewhere swirling out there is my new life. At this point, it is so elusive as to be completely esoteric. At the same time, anything is possible and everything is impossible. Deep inside, I know that I have already been to hell and back and survived. The pressure begins to mount as friends and families ask, "What are you doing with your life?" Recovering is an answer that puts everyone on alert. I am now on the journey of self discovery.
Rapid fire ideas begin to brew in my head in the middle of the night. Those unused hours that you never thought you had before. A grand awakening of my potentiality a place only I can go. Where is the path? Are you my calling?
Little by little a small inkling of a path unfolds. Energy begins to flow in a direction and I begin to synthesize with my new life, creating a bold path towards the next chapter. I don't really know what it looks like but I know I am headed there. Finally, the world starts to feel right again.
Emergence
Once the new "me" emerged it was time again to search out the "we". Dating or getting my feet wet in the mating game was a Herculean task in the beginning. The thought of am I still attractive lingers around every corner. I am not what I was the last time I tried to find a mate. And shockingly enough, middle aged looked fat and bald.
It is not that easy getting back on the horse. The first date is just a hurdle that must be conquered. By date two or three it becomes a game of over analyzing your future prince charming. What do I want? Fun, sexy, smart, adoring, rich, tall, dark hair the list goes on and on. Most of the time you figure out what you don't want from the endless coffee dates procured on Match.com. Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears it is hard to determine which new bed will fit in my new incarnation? And then begins the agitation. Swirl, swirl the whole world becomes a whirl.
Survival
There are no myths at middle age of what you should aspire to. Cinderella did not return years later single, forty and without a castle. How do I embark on my new life? Do I believe in the dream all over again with its flaws and twists and turns? Am I convinced if I had only done a few things differently I would still be on the train to forever after? Am I meant to be alone fending for myself living the dream?
The one thing I know is that I am a survivor and lover of life. I have faith that I will continue to have a great life filled with passion and joy. I like the idea of creating my very own modern fairytale where I walk hand and hand into the sun with my new partner myself.
Written by Nikki Dodge
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Moms Have Super Powers
Posted on June 9, 2010
Filed Under Mother's Rights | Leave a Comment
Moms Have Super Powers
Moms are super heroes. They even have super powers. It has not been determined if they are born with these powers or if they come from a reaction to toxic waste (in the form of diapers) or other chemicals. All that is certain is that moms can do things normal humans can not.
1. A mom can hold a diaper bag, purse, baby and cupcakes with out spilling a thing - just don't offer to take anything or it will all come tumbling down.
2. A mom can go for several nights on five minute cat naps between upset children, cleaning the garbage can and changing the sheets! The amazing thing is that she won't need a nap the next day.
3. A mom can hear the kids asking questions while answering an email while talking on the phone - and not miss a beat. It goes beyond multitasking to an almost computer like ability to comprehend information and then respond.
4. A mom can hear a problem before it arises - she knows when that gagging noise is going farther and is prepared before anything can happen. It is not just about the noise, but knowing response time AND knowing how to respond.
5. A mom can recognize a look and know immediately that the child broke something, hit someone or is just "taking a break." She also has eyes in the back of her head so that she can see the pushing and shoving without having to SEE the pushing and shoving.
6. A mom can make any needed item magically appear from either the car, her purse or the diaper bag. It doesn't matter if it is nail clippers, a screw driver or band aids - she has access to it all in the snap of a finger.
There are things that can drag a mom down - every super hero has her kryptonite. But for the most part the mom is going to know the who, the what, the why, the when and the how long before the situation arises. It's just part of being a mom.
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Learn How to Get Child Custody
Posted on March 9, 2010
Filed Under child custody, winning child custody | Leave a Comment
Learn How to Get Child Custody
A healthy relationship with your child/children is what the judge is looking for here. Coming home from work, heating up food in the microwave for the kids and jumping on the computer for the rest of the night while the kids do their homework alone and put themselves to bed would get you a very poor score.
Take the kids to church, temple or mosque. Know your kids teachers. Get on the PTA at school if you can. If time is a factor, try to get on the PTA mailing list. Try if you can to volunteer at daycare or school.. Help with homework and class projects. Know your childrens friends. (Friends parents if you can.) Is your child involved in after school activities? Attend the games, meets or rally's and again try to volunteer in some capacity if you can. Know your pediatrician. Bottom line, know what is in the best interest of the child by know what is going on in your childrens lives.
Children and clothes are clean. Children are eating a well balanced diet. (No one loses their children for hitting McDonald's occasionally). Your home has hot and cold running water. Bathrooms are operation. Heat works in the winter. Children have their own bedroom. (Not the pull out couch in the living room) Your children are up to date on their immunizations. In times of extreme illness, the children receive medical attention. The children visit a dentist regularly. You should have an operational telephone in the house. If you do not have these things due to finances, you can get them. Visit your local Department of Health and Human Services they also work for the best interest of the child. You can get help with food, utility bills, and medical assistance for the children and vouchers for daycare. Do not dismiss the Dollar Store or the Thrift Store. You will not be looked down upon for using public services. You will be showing the judge that you have the best interest of the child in mind.
Do not move from house to house, apartment to apartment. The children need stability. Moving your residence repeatedly means new schools, new friends, new neighbors and a new community. This is not stable. No undesirables living in the house. (And yes, depending on the relative, even relatives can be undesirables).
If you and your ex or soon-to-be ex have not split up yet, keep the children with you. The question is, which parent have the children been living with primarily since the break-up. Not up-rooting the child is a big factor in determining what is the best interest of the child.
Do not put inflammatory pictures or writing of yourself on the Internet. Stay out of non-support type chat rooms and forums on the Internet. Do not run around town partying it up with strange men/women while your children are with a baby sitter, neighbor or relative. If you drink or do drugs, STOP. Not only stop but also get yourself to AA or NA. Be an upstanding member of your community. (Hence, no skeletons in the closet.)
Have you required treatment at a mental facility? If so why? How many times? Be prepared to answer these questions with plausible answers. Physically are you well? Sickly? Terminable?
The behavior of the kids is critical. Good grades. No problems in the neighborhood. No running with the wrong crowd. If you have seen, questionable behaviors, get your child/children to therapy. Do not wait until your ex's attorney says the children's grades are falling and you let them run wild.
The child does not always get to choose. Judges are perceptive enough to notice when a child is playing one parent against the other or when one parent is using questionable tactics to get a child to tell the judge he/she would rather live with that parent. Remember the judge is looking for what is the best interest of the child.
No trash talk about the ex. If this were easy, many children in the world would not be emotionally scarred after a bitter break-up between parents. Bite your tongue, leave the room, and take a time out. Divorce is about YOUR marriage breaking up. It has nothing to do with your children and you need to make sure they understand that.
Do not hit. (Get it?!) Do not let yourself be hit. This applies to verbal abuse as well. Domestic violence whether from you, or to you is unacceptable.
(l) Any other factor considered by the court to be relevant to a particular child custody dispute: Self-explanatory.
After going through my own bitter divorce and nightmare custody battle I came out with many scars and much information. Most importantly, many attorneys fail to help their clients deal with effective strategies, because they are more psychological than legal strategies, which in most cases they are not, trained to either recognize or deal with them.
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Visitation Recommendations For Children Under the Age of Three
Posted on August 8, 2009
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Visitation Recommendations For Children Under the Age of Three
An infant's basic needs are food, sleep and physical contact. However, when you are divorced, you want the infant to be able to recognize you as the parent. This is only possible if there are frequent visitations as then the infant will be able to recognize your face and voice. That is why psychologists recommend that non-custodial parents visit children under the age of three frequently and this visit should last around 2 hours each time. Overnight stays at this point are not recommended as the infant will miss the custodial parent, who is its primary caregiver.
When a child is between 6 months and 18 months, he knows immediately when the parent is not around. As a non-custodial parent, if you do not make regular and frequent visits, the child might get anxious and stressed by your absence. This is the age when the non-custodial parent should form an emotional bond with the child and you should concentrate about forming an attachment with the child. It is quite possible for you have a healthy emotional relationship with the child even though you and your spouse are now divorced.
Between the age of 18 months and 3 years, the child starts becoming independent. However, he needs a sense of security; he wants to make sure that the parents will be in his life forever. If a child doubts this, you can be sure that he will be constantly asking you whether you still love him. This is the time when a child will figuring out whether he can depend on his parent and that is why you should always be around when you make a promise and try have visit him as often as possible.
Children need to feel loved and safe and the only way you can show your feeling for them is to visit them as often as possible after the divorce. That is why when children under the age of three are involved you should try to negotiate a visitation schedule with your ex-spouse.
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