Shock * Precious Things * Mourning Old Life * Splitting Two into One * What Happened * Forgiveness * Identity Crisis * Self Discovery * Emergence * Survival

As a Life Coach, I have encountered many people who have experienced similar of phases of recovering from a divorce. There is no manual for it but I have found that there are a predictable set of steps that you experience when recovering from divorce. Divorce, is a rebirth of a new life, free of all constrains of your former life. You have been given a chance to rewrite you're story. Here is mine.

The steps of recovering from a divorce are long and arduous. Like Aaron Ralston crawling his way out of a Utah canyon, climbing your way out of a divorce is a journey that involves blood, sweat tears and more stamina than I thought I had. Eventually, this journey brought me to the door that unlocked the beautiful future.

Shock

At first it is just shock and awe. The total destruction of the life I once knew. The feeling can best be described as perpetual vertigo. Nothing is stationary anymore life starts to shed like layers of a snake unfolding. Driving in my car I felt my body fly out of the sunroof forever leaving my old life. The road ahead represented the unknown. Who am I? Where am I going? How am I going to get there? Most of my time is spent suspended hovering over my body looking at the train wreck of my life. I spent night after night in a empty apartment wondering what type of time travel I had just experienced.

Precious Things

Did I really even want anything that belonged to that former life? This question I asked over and over again as I contemplated my precious things. My eyes cast around the precious things in my universe. The first thing I grabbed was the photo albums, next my jewelry then I started to amass a small assortment of odd precious things; my copper fava bean cooker from Egypt, a picture of the sunset off the wall, bedding and some pillows, a small Moroccan geode and of course my two dogs. .What really matters from the life that has ended? What relics do I want to take with me? All the memories that I had as a whole are now just fleeting. I am the sole historian of those days. My story will never be contradicted again by my husbands opposing views.

Once I decided on the precious things I had to get them. My shrink said that possession is 9/10ths of the law. He told me to back a truck up in the middle of the day and when no one is home and pack up my precious things and hightail it out of town. That is exactly what I did.

Mourning Old Life

Unpacking the precious things on the other side is a little like opening the Pandora's Box of my relationship? I no longer have what I had. Everything looks a little different. It seems to be missing something. I mourn the things that are no longer there and loath the things that remain. I want to be free but I am still shackled by all that is in the past. It is impossible to create a new life when I am still mourning and living with things from the past.

Splitting two into one

Next, starts the spin. Sorting out the life I lead as a couple into the life of one. If only it could be as easy as splitting it all in half; half a couch, half a car, half a dog, half the friends along with half of your old self. In the end, the judgment and guilt dictate who gets the goods. Only I can rebuild the shattered other self that has been ripped from my being. Sometimes it is hard to tell if I even like the other half that is left. My discontent of the years past begins to surface. When did the crack start? Where is the small fissure that represents the beginning of the end?

What Happened

Night after night I hash out the details, remembering things from years past; small looks here and there, situations that just did not feel right at the time. How long had this been going on? When did it start to unravel? The obsession is extreme until I have hashed out every incarnation imaginable. This stage drove the people closest to me batty.

Forgiveness

At some stage the pieces of the puzzle start fitting together. My part of the story starts to unfold. I see that I was culpable too. The break seems like a hologram where all sides are in view. My anger subsides as I realize the role that I played in the drama of my life. Now the blame shifts and gratitude takes its place. I appreciate the good and don't dwell on the bad.

Slowly I start to emerge, testing my new single self in the waters. What will they think of me? Where is the rhetorical "we". It is a long process of cutting out the other part of me. Like conjoined twins the separation is a lengthy and delicate surgery. I go through this process so that I can regenerate and be a "me" again. Like a lizard that re-grows his tail I begin to heal re-growing a new self where the "we" once took hold.

Identity Crisis

The identity crisis permeates every move I make. How do I explain myself? What is my story if I cut the other half out. At first telling people my story is like slow water torture. Little by little conversations become easier. A new self starts to emerge. I no longer reference my ex in every sentence. Slowly, my life as a "me" starts to unfold.

I am all of a sudden in the position of creating my very own self. That sparks an overwhelming and paralyzing amount of choices to think of. What do I want to be? What did I think I wanted to be? What could I be? All of a sudden I am on the spin cycle again, agitating my way through the day.

Self Discovery

Somewhere swirling out there is my new life. At this point, it is so elusive as to be completely esoteric. At the same time, anything is possible and everything is impossible. Deep inside, I know that I have already been to hell and back and survived. The pressure begins to mount as friends and families ask, "What are you doing with your life?" Recovering is an answer that puts everyone on alert. I am now on the journey of self discovery.

Rapid fire ideas begin to brew in my head in the middle of the night. Those unused hours that you never thought you had before. A grand awakening of my potentiality a place only I can go. Where is the path? Are you my calling?

Little by little a small inkling of a path unfolds. Energy begins to flow in a direction and I begin to synthesize with my new life, creating a bold path towards the next chapter. I don't really know what it looks like but I know I am headed there. Finally, the world starts to feel right again.

Emergence

Once the new "me" emerged it was time again to search out the "we". Dating or getting my feet wet in the mating game was a Herculean task in the beginning. The thought of am I still attractive lingers around every corner. I am not what I was the last time I tried to find a mate. And shockingly enough, middle aged looked fat and bald.

It is not that easy getting back on the horse. The first date is just a hurdle that must be conquered. By date two or three it becomes a game of over analyzing your future prince charming. What do I want? Fun, sexy, smart, adoring, rich, tall, dark hair the list goes on and on. Most of the time you figure out what you don't want from the endless coffee dates procured on Match.com. Like Goldilocks and the Three Bears it is hard to determine which new bed will fit in my new incarnation? And then begins the agitation. Swirl, swirl the whole world becomes a whirl.

Survival

There are no myths at middle age of what you should aspire to. Cinderella did not return years later single, forty and without a castle. How do I embark on my new life? Do I believe in the dream all over again with its flaws and twists and turns? Am I convinced if I had only done a few things differently I would still be on the train to forever after? Am I meant to be alone fending for myself living the dream?

The one thing I know is that I am a survivor and lover of life. I have faith that I will continue to have a great life filled with passion and joy. I like the idea of creating my very own modern fairytale where I walk hand and hand into the sun with my new partner myself.

Written by Nikki Dodge

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Child custody cases have become much more scrutinized by the courts in recent years. What used to be an easy win for the mother or primary bread winner has turned into to an intense deliberation process with no certain outcome. Because of this, it has become important for parents to put a focus on preparation before their custody hearing. Here are some basic steps to get started in the right direction.

Choose the Right Lawyer

Experienced legal counsel is the most important investment you will make with your child custody case, so don't just open the phone book and call the biggest ad. Find a lawyer who has several references of winning custody cases similar to yours. You should also look for someone who has worked with your judge in the past. Another industry benchmark to look for is a lawyer who is a Certified Family Law Specialist.

Organized Your Financials

Financial stability will play a key role in your case, and thus you should have all of your financial records in good order. Pay stubs, bank statements, and investment reports will likely be required by the courts. By having this information at hand you will present yourself as an organized and viable candidate for custody consideration.

Track Child Care Costs

The more you know about your child's daily needs, the better you will fare in the legal proceedings. Start a log early in the process and keep track of all relevant costs associated with raising your child. Food, clothing, health care, and child care are just some of the expenses you should be tracking. Not only will this information show your concern for your child's welfare, but it will also be used to determine the amount of your spouse's child support payments.

Clean Up Your History

If you have any skeletons in your closet, then now is the time to get rid of them. Drug use, infidelity, and unemployment are all negatives that could hurt your chances for custody. While there is little you can do about the past, the court always looks favorably on people who are trying to fix their issues. Cleaning up your past should be an immediate priority. You will need to prove to the judge that you are working hard to correct the mistakes you have made in life.

Dig Up Some Dirt

Just as your past can hurt you, your spouse's past can be manipulated to your advantage. While it may seem aggressive to openly expose the secrets of your spouse, it is in the best interest of your children for the judge to know all of the circumstances surrounding your separation. Documentation is the key to substantiating your claims, so make sure you gather proof before making any accusations.

Custody battles are no longer a short war of words with the mother assuming a substantial advantage. The entire hearing process has become more detailed and often incorporates outside mediators to assist the judge. Being prepared and organized will give you the best chance at winning your child custody case.