You're ready. It's not a question of if any longer, only when. How do you know that you're ready to start a relationship after a divorce? How do you know that you're ready to date again? You're reading this article, aren't you? You've questioned whether or not it's worth it to take that step, to delve into something as risky as it is rewarding. You've debated it in your head, asked your friends about it in sly and coy ways, and when doubting, asked outright in forthright tones. And it's too late. The once distant thought about dating has been planted in your mind, and it has been growing, albeit slowly, but gradually until it's led you here. Let me be the first to welcome you, if you have not already received a welcome kit from the post-divorce-it's-ok-to-date community. Welcome.

So what are some of the signs that you're ready for a relationship? And when is it too quick to start dating? As already mentioned, by the fact that you're reading this article, it's a tell-tale sign that the thought has been growing in your mind and heart and that you're ready - even if you don't yet realize it. You've already decided that life is too short to be alone and your heart is crying out for companionship. And you've probably already found yourself looking across the room and locking eyes with an attractive co-worker, colleague or stranger while waiting in line, dozing off in a meeting or walking to the printer.

And while these rediscovered feelings of attraction may have made you slightly uncomfortable and self-conscious, you've also been bombarded by feelings of disappointment, fear of failure and uncertainty. These are all natural reactions to experience when thinking about relationships, but it's also important to understand that these feelings are in fact natural and in a way a part of your natural defense mechanism to protect yourself again more emotional pain. But the key to dating after a divorce and starting a relationship is to let down your walls and follow your heart. And once you do, you'll find that there are a lot of opportunities out there to help you find a great date.

These days in the Internet-era, there's 101 ways to meet a date - everything from the most random of ways, such as bumping into people at a bar (or the car wash for that matter), to online dating services where you can chat, e-mail and send virtual affections electronically. These can be potentially good ways to meet new people and possibly begin a relationship, and they have their share of successful testimonials from people who have found successful relationships. But one opportunity that may minimize the risk and stigma associated with online dating or random happenstance, is matchmaking.

Matchmaking can potentially be a great way to go simply because it eliminates guessing and relies on knowledge and trust. Matchmakers know people on a deeper level and can offer suggestions that highlight compatibility. A matchmaker is someone you can trust, someone who can know you, your thoughts, your past, and your plans for the future, to offer positive suggestions for new relationships. Best of all, it's someone you can trust who understands where you've been, how you've questioned whether it's too quick to start dating after a divorce, and offer possible matches based on your individual experiences and desires. After all, all relationships begin and end in trust.

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Divorce is never easy. However in the current economic climate, the financial stresses of a divorce can multiply unless both parties approach this situation with a certain degree of realistic expectations. If the family residence is currently in foreclosure, it can be used to soften the financial blow or add to it.

During a divorce, you are asked to make important financial decisions while your emotions are at an all time high. Too often, through no fault of your own, you or your spouse may have lost a job, making it financially impossible to keep the family residence. When these set of circumstances arise, and the family unit is falling apart, it is often too easy to place blame and heighten the conflict in an already troubled marriage. The loss of the family home is often considered the worst possible scenario, and causes all concerned to become angry and irritable.

It becomes extremely important at this point to conserve resources. Spending tens of thousands of dollars in a legal battle can better be used to resettle the parties and the children. Why not take the high road and avoid conflict if at all possible. So many people waste money and time by increasing conflict rather than attempting to resolve their marital issues. California is a community property state. Assets that have accumulated during the marriage are equitably divided. That simple fact is often lost in the heat of battle. If there are separate property issues, a family law attorney can help you understand the nature of separate property and how it may affect your interest in the property.

If your house is in foreclosure, and it is financially impossible to keep the home, be creative. Contact loan modifications companies, or consider the possibility of both parties staying in the home for the duration of the divorce. Of course if there is domestic violence or substance abuse issues, that will not work. Now more than ever, it is paramount that parties try to remove the emotional impact of the separation and instead, try spending the remaining finances on solutions rather than unnecessary attorney fees, A divorce does not have to mean there is only one winner, but rather two survivors.

Patricia A. Gregory

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A divorce is stressful enough, but when child custody is involved it can get ugly really quick. Unfortunately, there are times when the underlying reason for child custody isn’t about the children at all. It’s just one more way to get back at their Ex for all the “horrible things” that they have done. This is the worst situation because the only one who ends up getting hurt is the children. That’s why I felt compelled to write this article. My wife and I have been have been in a “heated” battle for her daughter for over a year now. Her ex-husband is a manipulative “know it all” who is purposely limiting my wife’s contact with her daughter. My wife lost custody several years ago when she had to leave the state they were living in because of the constant harassment and threats being made by her Ex. At the time, the judge could not make a decision on custody and my wife was not allowed to take her daughter out of the state. It was not long after that her Ex’s high price attorney was able to get the judge to grant him full custody simply because my wife now lived out-of-state. Needless to say, my wife was devastated. She didn’t think it could happen just like that with no consideration given to her situation. So in an instant, she went from having 50:50 custody to seeing her daughter only 6 weeks out of the year.

A couple of years later, I came into the picture and was able to convince my wife that she needs to stop being afraid of her Ex and it was time to fight for her right to be a mother to her daughter. That was easier said than done. By that time, her Ex had used his influence over his daughter to get her to blame my wife for everything that had happened. Soon the phone calls got shorter and shorter, and her daughter started saying awful things to my wife…things that just tore her up inside. This 5-year girl was “yelling” at her mother for breaking up the family, for causing all her daddy’s “money problems”, and for leaving her behind to be with her “new husband”. None of which it true, but try explaining that to a 5-year old girl over the telephone with her “Daddy” sitting beside her and listening to the entire conversation. My wife was an utter mess, and even started blaming herself for what was going on.

We finally decided enough was enough, but we had no idea what to do next. I research everything. I’m all over the internet look for tip and strategies, anything that can give us an idea on how to deal with a child custody issue. And wouldn’t you know it; all I get are law firms that tell you that all you have to do is get the right lawyer. So that is what we did. We gathered all the money that we could, our entire savings and then some, and then hired a lawyer. A lawyer who called our situation an “atrocity”, and that he would do everything in his power to put a stop to it. And so it began, the child custody battle was in full swing. But after the first motion was sent out by our lawyer, we heard nothing. Days, weeks went by and no response, and when we tried to get in touch with our lawyer we had to set up an appointment where we would get charged $250 an hour to talk to him over the phone. A year goes by and nothing happens, except for the judge telling my wife’s Ex to stop turning her daughter against her. And did I mention, we had a nice $16,000 lawyer bill.

This child custody battle was causing us all kinds of pain (emotionally, mentally, and monetarily), but we vowed not to quit. In the mean time, her daughter was angry at us once again because we were trying to “put her Daddy in jail” and “He would die of a broken heart if she was ever to go and live with mommy”. It was gut-wrenching to the both of us. And then something happened that gave us some hope. Did the lawyer call with some good new? No! Did the judge finally make a decision in our favor? No! I came upon a website talking about two experts (Doctors of Psychology) in dealing with child custody issues. With over 35 years of experience between them, and numerous expert testimonies, they looked they had something that they could teach us. And wouldn’t you believe their guide on strategies in dealing with child custody only cost $89. I was skeptical at first, wondering what they could know that our lawyer doesn’t. But what is $89 compared to $16,000, so I took a look. Right from the beginning, I noticed things that our lawyer never even mentioned to us. I even brought up some points from the book to our lawyer (at $250 an hour), and he acted like he had never heard of that before. These weren’t over the top legal tactics. These were simple things that none of us had ever though of. We’re still in the midst of the custody battle, but things our leaning our way for the first time ever. All I can say is that the guide has helped me understand a lot more about child custody strategies, and I had only wished that I had found before all of this started. If you our in similar situation yourself, or about to fight for custody, I urge you to get this guide. It’s a small price to pay in the long run, and it even shows you ways to make your lawyer work harder for you.

Christoph Hickory "Just an Opinionated Guy with a whole lot to Say"

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For anyone involved in a divorce, this can be a painful process that takes time to fully get over the whole ordeal. Many people who have been through a divorce can have many things that need to be dealt with before that person is able to get back into the dating scene again. Once you have gotten back into that scene, you might just end up finding that person that you could see yourself falling in love with. If you have found this person, the first thing that you may be worried about is introducing this person to your kids.

Dating after a divorce can be a hard thing in itself without the pressure of having to introduce the person to your children. The first thing that you should consider when you are going through the process is to pick a time that will be comfortable for all of the people involved. This could be a family barbeque or just going out to dinner. Make sure that you keep the lines of communication open both between you and your children and between you and the person you are dating. Being honest is the most helpful thing you can do for everyone in a situation such as this one. If you are also close with your ex spouse, you might want to make them aware that you are now dating someone new and you are thinking of introducing this person to the kids. Although you are not married, it is still a sign of respect because you both still have children in common with each other and just want to look out for their well being.

The next thing that you need to consider is talking with your kids about meeting this person before you just set up the situation. You need to hear out their fears and concerns before you set anything up. If they aren't comfortable with meeting this person you are dating yet, don't force the situation. If you force the situation to much, there can be hostile feelings toward you and the person you are dating in the long run. You need to make sure and remember who is going to be your top priority in this type of situation. Communication can be the most helpful thing you can do with everyone. Remember, when the time is right things will happen naturally.

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A healthy relationship with your child/children is what the judge is looking for here. Coming home from work, heating up food in the microwave for the kids and jumping on the computer for the rest of the night while the kids do their homework alone and put themselves to bed would get you a very poor score.

Take the kids to church, temple or mosque. Know your kids teachers. Get on the PTA at school if you can. If time is a factor, try to get on the PTA mailing list. Try if you can to volunteer at daycare or school.. Help with homework and class projects. Know your childrens friends. (Friends parents if you can.) Is your child involved in after school activities? Attend the games, meets or rally's and again try to volunteer in some capacity if you can. Know your pediatrician. Bottom line, know what is in the best interest of the child by know what is going on in your childrens lives.

Children and clothes are clean. Children are eating a well balanced diet. (No one loses their children for hitting McDonald's occasionally). Your home has hot and cold running water. Bathrooms are operation. Heat works in the winter. Children have their own bedroom. (Not the pull out couch in the living room) Your children are up to date on their immunizations. In times of extreme illness, the children receive medical attention. The children visit a dentist regularly. You should have an operational telephone in the house. If you do not have these things due to finances, you can get them. Visit your local Department of Health and Human Services they also work for the best interest of the child. You can get help with food, utility bills, and medical assistance for the children and vouchers for daycare. Do not dismiss the Dollar Store or the Thrift Store. You will not be looked down upon for using public services. You will be showing the judge that you have the best interest of the child in mind.

Do not move from house to house, apartment to apartment. The children need stability. Moving your residence repeatedly means new schools, new friends, new neighbors and a new community. This is not stable. No undesirables living in the house. (And yes, depending on the relative, even relatives can be undesirables).

If you and your ex or soon-to-be ex have not split up yet, keep the children with you. The question is, which parent have the children been living with primarily since the break-up. Not up-rooting the child is a big factor in determining what is the best interest of the child.

Do not put inflammatory pictures or writing of yourself on the Internet. Stay out of non-support type chat rooms and forums on the Internet. Do not run around town partying it up with strange men/women while your children are with a baby sitter, neighbor or relative. If you drink or do drugs, STOP. Not only stop but also get yourself to AA or NA. Be an upstanding member of your community. (Hence, no skeletons in the closet.)

Have you required treatment at a mental facility? If so why? How many times? Be prepared to answer these questions with plausible answers. Physically are you well? Sickly? Terminable?

The behavior of the kids is critical. Good grades. No problems in the neighborhood. No running with the wrong crowd. If you have seen, questionable behaviors, get your child/children to therapy. Do not wait until your ex's attorney says the children's grades are falling and you let them run wild.

The child does not always get to choose. Judges are perceptive enough to notice when a child is playing one parent against the other or when one parent is using questionable tactics to get a child to tell the judge he/she would rather live with that parent. Remember the judge is looking for what is the best interest of the child.

No trash talk about the ex. If this were easy, many children in the world would not be emotionally scarred after a bitter break-up between parents. Bite your tongue, leave the room, and take a time out. Divorce is about YOUR marriage breaking up. It has nothing to do with your children and you need to make sure they understand that.

Do not hit. (Get it?!) Do not let yourself be hit. This applies to verbal abuse as well. Domestic violence whether from you, or to you is unacceptable.

(l) Any other factor considered by the court to be relevant to a particular child custody dispute: Self-explanatory.

After going through my own bitter divorce and nightmare custody battle I came out with many scars and much information. Most importantly, many attorneys fail to help their clients deal with effective strategies, because they are more psychological than legal strategies, which in most cases they are not, trained to either recognize or deal with them.

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