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Success Training in Life After Divorce Includes Forgiveness

Posted on May 22, 2009
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Success Training in Life After Divorce Includes Forgiveness

Back in the 1980's as a young man, I led a group of us that started a Divorce Recovery Workshop in my home town. Although my wife and I were young and had small children, as pastors on a large church staff we saw a huge need in our community. Along with a small group of divorced people, we begin to run this 8 week seminar twice a year. It built slow, but had great results with this success training. After a few years of hundreds of people that were touched by the seminar, we handed it off to an associate. In looking back there were many things that I could identify as reasons for the popularity and impact the work had, but this article will deal with one of the keys, if not the top key, that was discussed and implemented that set people free.

The topic of the lesson that contained this key was forgiveness. We discussed forgiveness and laid a foundation of the many of the well known and taught aspects of this important principle in relationships:

1. Forgiveness is an act of the will - not an emotion. Most of the time we need to forgive because we feel hurt. With hurt emotions we usually do not feel like forgiving someone, but it is vital we choose to do this - both in our hearts, and where appropriate, to have a discussion with the person we need to forgive.

2. Forgiving when you don't feel like it is NOT hypocrisy. If you claim to believe in forgiveness, then it would be hypocritical NOT to forgive, regardless of how you feel about it. Hyprocrisy is acting contrary to your beliefs, not going against your feelings.

3. You must choose to forgive, whether you think the other person deserves it or not.

We are not talking about being a wimp, or letting people walk over you - but recognizing how vital your choice of forgiveness is for your mental and spiritual health. So - here is the key that set so many people free:

In almost every situation where conflict or hurt feeling occur, it is truly rare that one person is either completely blameless - OR - one person is 100% to blame for the situation. So - in our workshop we instructed the divorced person simply to pick a percentage as a number that they felt they contributed to the failure of their marriage. We didn't mean the actually filing of the divorce papers - many people don't want to end up divorced, but they do - but the actual blame they would accept for the things they did or didn't do that led to the deterioration of the relationship. We had them write down a number between 1% and 99% that they would give themselves that they felt they were responsible for in the breakdown of their own marriage. The could choose any number - except 0% or 100%. For a few this was hard, but almost everyone that went through our workshop was able to pick a number.

Here is the amazing thing: The number doesn't really matter! (As long as it isn't ZERO or ONE HUNDRED.)

We then had them take that number and implement forgiveness:

1. To forgive their ex-spouse for their part in the marriage failure.

2. To forgive themselves for their own part in the marriage failure.

3. To ask forgiveness FROM their ex for their part of the marriage failure -without expecting any reciprocation.

4. To ask any children affected by the divorce for their forgiveness for the marriage failure.

We spent a good deal of time on this, and gave counsel on how to, if at all, approach their ex or children. Those that followed through (and most did) found great release, healing, and freedom by acting on this key. Some of the stories they told were amazing. We actually had ex-marriage partners come through the next workshop because they were amazed at the transformation of their ex-partner due to the workshop.

After the first night of a new workshop series my wife and I were driving home discussing the evening. We had about 150 new people there that night and I asked my wife: "Did you meet that woman?" My wife knew exactly who I meant - Claudia was the most bitter woman (and it showed) that either of us had ever seen or met. Three or four weeks into the workshop series she called me and asked if she could come by my home - she said it was important! We talked for a quite a while and then I explained forgiveness to her again. When I explained to her that she needed to forgive her ex, she became very angry at the thought. (Forgiveness isn't saying what an offending party did was OK, or letting the off the hook - in her ex's case it was on-going adultery.)

I explained to her she didn't even need to feel like it, she just needed to do it. So she expressed forgiveness towards him through clenched teeth, and left my home. I heard the rest of the story a couple of days later . . .

As she was driving home she said she felt a warmth start in her finger tips and work its way up her arms and into her chest. She had intended to murder her ex, but instead she threw away the home made bomb in the car she had made, and continued on a path of healing. Her and John were remarried to each other a couple of years later.

For most attenders to our workshop, the possibility of a reconciliation was too late. We had a former Miss America come through the workshop, and people from all walks of life. The key works for everyone.

Conflict resolution and emotional healing are difficult and complex issues, BUT this key is one that helps, and can be applied to almost any situation, not just divorce recovery.

I've used this principle in every arena of life including business. If you are looking for conflict resolution, jot down the percentage of responsibility you are willing to assume, and then implement true forgiveness around that number.