Relationships - How Quickly After a Divorce Should I Start Dating?
Posted on January 22, 2011
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Relationships - How Quickly After a Divorce Should I Start Dating?
You're ready. It's not a question of if any longer, only when. How do you know that you're ready to start a relationship after a divorce? How do you know that you're ready to date again? You're reading this article, aren't you? You've questioned whether or not it's worth it to take that step, to delve into something as risky as it is rewarding. You've debated it in your head, asked your friends about it in sly and coy ways, and when doubting, asked outright in forthright tones. And it's too late. The once distant thought about dating has been planted in your mind, and it has been growing, albeit slowly, but gradually until it's led you here. Let me be the first to welcome you, if you have not already received a welcome kit from the post-divorce-it's-ok-to-date community. Welcome.
So what are some of the signs that you're ready for a relationship? And when is it too quick to start dating? As already mentioned, by the fact that you're reading this article, it's a tell-tale sign that the thought has been growing in your mind and heart and that you're ready - even if you don't yet realize it. You've already decided that life is too short to be alone and your heart is crying out for companionship. And you've probably already found yourself looking across the room and locking eyes with an attractive co-worker, colleague or stranger while waiting in line, dozing off in a meeting or walking to the printer.
And while these rediscovered feelings of attraction may have made you slightly uncomfortable and self-conscious, you've also been bombarded by feelings of disappointment, fear of failure and uncertainty. These are all natural reactions to experience when thinking about relationships, but it's also important to understand that these feelings are in fact natural and in a way a part of your natural defense mechanism to protect yourself again more emotional pain. But the key to dating after a divorce and starting a relationship is to let down your walls and follow your heart. And once you do, you'll find that there are a lot of opportunities out there to help you find a great date.
These days in the Internet-era, there's 101 ways to meet a date - everything from the most random of ways, such as bumping into people at a bar (or the car wash for that matter), to online dating services where you can chat, e-mail and send virtual affections electronically. These can be potentially good ways to meet new people and possibly begin a relationship, and they have their share of successful testimonials from people who have found successful relationships. But one opportunity that may minimize the risk and stigma associated with online dating or random happenstance, is matchmaking.
Matchmaking can potentially be a great way to go simply because it eliminates guessing and relies on knowledge and trust. Matchmakers know people on a deeper level and can offer suggestions that highlight compatibility. A matchmaker is someone you can trust, someone who can know you, your thoughts, your past, and your plans for the future, to offer positive suggestions for new relationships. Best of all, it's someone you can trust who understands where you've been, how you've questioned whether it's too quick to start dating after a divorce, and offer possible matches based on your individual experiences and desires. After all, all relationships begin and end in trust.
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Divorce and Foreclosure - A Combination For Disaster
Posted on January 21, 2011
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Divorce and Foreclosure - A Combination For Disaster
Divorce is never easy. However in the current economic climate, the financial stresses of a divorce can multiply unless both parties approach this situation with a certain degree of realistic expectations. If the family residence is currently in foreclosure, it can be used to soften the financial blow or add to it.
During a divorce, you are asked to make important financial decisions while your emotions are at an all time high. Too often, through no fault of your own, you or your spouse may have lost a job, making it financially impossible to keep the family residence. When these set of circumstances arise, and the family unit is falling apart, it is often too easy to place blame and heighten the conflict in an already troubled marriage. The loss of the family home is often considered the worst possible scenario, and causes all concerned to become angry and irritable.
It becomes extremely important at this point to conserve resources. Spending tens of thousands of dollars in a legal battle can better be used to resettle the parties and the children. Why not take the high road and avoid conflict if at all possible. So many people waste money and time by increasing conflict rather than attempting to resolve their marital issues. California is a community property state. Assets that have accumulated during the marriage are equitably divided. That simple fact is often lost in the heat of battle. If there are separate property issues, a family law attorney can help you understand the nature of separate property and how it may affect your interest in the property.
If your house is in foreclosure, and it is financially impossible to keep the home, be creative. Contact loan modifications companies, or consider the possibility of both parties staying in the home for the duration of the divorce. Of course if there is domestic violence or substance abuse issues, that will not work. Now more than ever, it is paramount that parties try to remove the emotional impact of the separation and instead, try spending the remaining finances on solutions rather than unnecessary attorney fees, A divorce does not have to mean there is only one winner, but rather two survivors.
Patricia A. Gregory
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Are You a Lost Mom?
Posted on July 22, 2010
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Are You a Lost Mom?
As a mom, it can be easy to get lost. Even if you went into parenting very clear about who you were, by the time your child is two years old, you realize that being a mom is pretty consuming and it can be difficult to find even a shred of time to express yourself and take time for your own interests.
Many moms feel they'll have time for themselves once the kids have grown and are out of the house, but this sets you up for a very rough time with empty nest syndrome. When you've devoted your entire life to your children, what do you do with yourself once they've left? In addition, you can wind up with kids who never fly the coop because mom is so focused on serving them.
It's best for you and your kids to continue to nurture who you are - even when they're very small. Even if you have to carve out just a few hours each week to focus on yourself, find someone to watch the children so you can do something you love to do. I talked with one mother who said she'd love to do that but she would NAP.
Napping is good, but I'm talking about spending just a few hours each week remembering who you are. Stay in pottery class, continue to work out, get together with friends for coffee, read. Whatever it is that you loved to do before you had kids (assuming it's healthy) keep doing it. And if you're not sure what you'd like to do, spend some time trying new things.
Kids are watching you as an example. When you take time to take care of yourself, your kids are learning that when they are parents, it will be important for them to nurture themselves too. And that's a good thing for them to know.
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When Does a Child Custody Battle Go Too Far? This is Our Story
Posted on July 10, 2010
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When Does a Child Custody Battle Go Too Far? This is Our Story
A divorce is stressful enough, but when child custody is involved it can get ugly really quick. Unfortunately, there are times when the underlying reason for child custody isn’t about the children at all. It’s just one more way to get back at their Ex for all the “horrible things” that they have done. This is the worst situation because the only one who ends up getting hurt is the children. That’s why I felt compelled to write this article. My wife and I have been have been in a “heated” battle for her daughter for over a year now. Her ex-husband is a manipulative “know it all” who is purposely limiting my wife’s contact with her daughter. My wife lost custody several years ago when she had to leave the state they were living in because of the constant harassment and threats being made by her Ex. At the time, the judge could not make a decision on custody and my wife was not allowed to take her daughter out of the state. It was not long after that her Ex’s high price attorney was able to get the judge to grant him full custody simply because my wife now lived out-of-state. Needless to say, my wife was devastated. She didn’t think it could happen just like that with no consideration given to her situation. So in an instant, she went from having 50:50 custody to seeing her daughter only 6 weeks out of the year.
A couple of years later, I came into the picture and was able to convince my wife that she needs to stop being afraid of her Ex and it was time to fight for her right to be a mother to her daughter. That was easier said than done. By that time, her Ex had used his influence over his daughter to get her to blame my wife for everything that had happened. Soon the phone calls got shorter and shorter, and her daughter started saying awful things to my wife…things that just tore her up inside. This 5-year girl was “yelling” at her mother for breaking up the family, for causing all her daddy’s “money problems”, and for leaving her behind to be with her “new husband”. None of which it true, but try explaining that to a 5-year old girl over the telephone with her “Daddy” sitting beside her and listening to the entire conversation. My wife was an utter mess, and even started blaming herself for what was going on.
We finally decided enough was enough, but we had no idea what to do next. I research everything. I’m all over the internet look for tip and strategies, anything that can give us an idea on how to deal with a child custody issue. And wouldn’t you know it; all I get are law firms that tell you that all you have to do is get the right lawyer. So that is what we did. We gathered all the money that we could, our entire savings and then some, and then hired a lawyer. A lawyer who called our situation an “atrocity”, and that he would do everything in his power to put a stop to it. And so it began, the child custody battle was in full swing. But after the first motion was sent out by our lawyer, we heard nothing. Days, weeks went by and no response, and when we tried to get in touch with our lawyer we had to set up an appointment where we would get charged $250 an hour to talk to him over the phone. A year goes by and nothing happens, except for the judge telling my wife’s Ex to stop turning her daughter against her. And did I mention, we had a nice $16,000 lawyer bill.
This child custody battle was causing us all kinds of pain (emotionally, mentally, and monetarily), but we vowed not to quit. In the mean time, her daughter was angry at us once again because we were trying to “put her Daddy in jail” and “He would die of a broken heart if she was ever to go and live with mommy”. It was gut-wrenching to the both of us. And then something happened that gave us some hope. Did the lawyer call with some good new? No! Did the judge finally make a decision in our favor? No! I came upon a website talking about two experts (Doctors of Psychology) in dealing with child custody issues. With over 35 years of experience between them, and numerous expert testimonies, they looked they had something that they could teach us. And wouldn’t you believe their guide on strategies in dealing with child custody only cost $89. I was skeptical at first, wondering what they could know that our lawyer doesn’t. But what is $89 compared to $16,000, so I took a look. Right from the beginning, I noticed things that our lawyer never even mentioned to us. I even brought up some points from the book to our lawyer (at $250 an hour), and he acted like he had never heard of that before. These weren’t over the top legal tactics. These were simple things that none of us had ever though of. We’re still in the midst of the custody battle, but things our leaning our way for the first time ever. All I can say is that the guide has helped me understand a lot more about child custody strategies, and I had only wished that I had found before all of this started. If you our in similar situation yourself, or about to fight for custody, I urge you to get this guide. It’s a small price to pay in the long run, and it even shows you ways to make your lawyer work harder for you.
Christoph Hickory "Just an Opinionated Guy with a whole lot to Say"
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The '3' Things Every New Dad Must Know
Posted on July 8, 2010
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The '3' Things Every New Dad Must Know
I have seen so much information and resources for Moms and Moms-to-Be, but rarely have I seen information and tips specifically for a new Dad. So many Dads I've spoke with seem willing to spend money on the latest and greatest book on "how to raise your baby" that I felt compelled to offer Dads a brief lesson in what it takes to be a GREAT DAD. You'll hear a lot of advice from far too many people that say things like, "No TV before their five" or that "You need to train them to clean their plate." Well, it isn't that they are wrong necessarily; it's just that they feel that their way is the "right" way.
There are three components that happy and successful Dads use. If you utilize these three things from my personal experience, you will have a more enjoyable experience as a Dad.
1. Listen to your Intuition. This is THE most important. Don't think because this is your first baby and because you have never done this before that you don't have a strong feeling of how you want to raise, care, and help your new baby. YOU make the choices for your child and will undoubtedly receive a lot of advice, but you are the decision maker for your baby. You know how you were raised and there may be parts you want duplicate for your child and other things you want to change. There is no "right" or "wrong" way; you ultimately make that choice until your child can make those choices themselves.
2. Embrace Playtime. What you offer your baby is a different energy than Mom. Often more adventure and outward based. Overly simplified, a Mom usually likes to keep her baby close to her, often facing her. While many Dads will carry their baby facing out to explore the world with him. A baby learns from their interactions with you, so the time you spend exploring fingers, or the latest object they want to put in their mouth is helping them discover their world. It also helps them develop motor skills, language, brain development and so much more. All by simply spending time playing together.
3. Make Time For Yourself. When Dads take time to recharge, they will really be present and appreciate the time they have with their baby. How you do this is not important, what is important is that you do this every week. It is a great way to let go of any stress, worries, or concerns you have whether it be work, money, or family related. This way you can truly be with your baby and feel a love that is like no other. If you practice these three things your experience as a Father will be more enjoyable and rewarding for you, your baby, and for your family.
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